


The Roast of Richie Tozier

by d0ntyouforgetaboutme



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Famous Richie Tozier, Gen, M/M, T for trashmouth, mostly sex jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23754775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d0ntyouforgetaboutme/pseuds/d0ntyouforgetaboutme
Summary: The roast of Richie Tozier, featuring the Losers Club
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Audra Phillips, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	The Roast of Richie Tozier

[Bill:] My name is William Denbrough, and I’m here because I was unfortunately friends with this asshole growing up. I’m hosting because I’m the only one here besides Richie that people remotely give a shit about. Ben, Bev, your architecture and clothes are nice, but no one under the age of forty cares about whatever article about you was just printed in Magazine For Old White Ladies Monthly. Stanley, Mike, no one knows who the fuck you two are. If people didn’t know any better, they’d think we just had you two here for the sake of diversity. And Eddie, people here only know about you because you get plowed by this man on a daily basis. And I mean daily. Seriously, Audra and I invited these two assholes to stay with us at our beach house one time, and we caught them trying to have sex in our hot tub. We gave them a perfectly nice room to defile, but they were hell bent on contaminating every surface in the house. No respect. But now, the main reason I’m here. I’m finally gonna get some revenge on this guy for giving me shit about my stutter for my entire life. Richie, I’m gonna go to town on you more than the forty year olds you met with in bathrooms between standup gigs in the 90s. I don’t even understand how you made it this big. People have laughed more at the shitty endings of my old books than they have at your old standup. If you couldn’t do voices, your career wouldn’t have advanced past late night sets in bars. The fucking voices you used to do, man. I’d imitate how awful they were back when we were kids, but I think I’ll leave that to Eddie. He’d probably do your voice the best because his balls haven’t dropped yet. For those of you guys that weren’t there, Richie’s old voices were him either lowering or increasing the pitch of his voice to be varying degrees of annoying. Teenage Richie had a voice for everything. He also had a comment about everything. Richie, you are genuinely one of the most irritating people on the planet. But you’re also one of the best friends a guy could ever have. I love you, man.  
~  
[Stan:] My name is Stanley Uris and tonight I hold the honor of being the token Jew. Seriously, I thought this was Hollywood. Where are the rest of you fuckers hiding? I also hold the distinct honor of being the only guy here to get married for a reason besides trying to convince people I’m straight. Yeah, Bill, I see the way you eye me after a few drinks. Ben, whenever you and Bev get married, people are still gonna know you think about Mike when you’re getting pegged by her. I get it though. Sorry Bev, but after awhile you just don’t do it for us guys anymore. You’re a fucking fashion designer and all you’ve got is ripped jeans and a blazer? Eddie, you basically married your mom’s evil twin so I’m gonna take it easy on you. I’m not sure if you thought about your mother or Jabba the Hutt when you had sex with your ex-wife, and I don’t think I wanna know. Glad you’re getting that dick now, though. You’re still better off than Mike. Mike, they should have had you star in The 40-Year-Old Virgin instead. Maybe then the audience would care about who you are. Speaking of that, we come to the only person here who anyone in the audience actually cares about. Richie. I was this motherfucker’s best friend all throughout school and I have the headaches to prove it. Richie, I should be offended by all the Jew jokes I got as a kid, but I’m honestly more offended that I had to hear you talk about your dick so much. I promise, none of us wanted to hear about your desire to fuck Eddie’s fatass mother. We all knew you two never really had sex because if you did, she would have flattened your scrawny ass into a pancake. And in case you’re wondering, it did nothing to help convince us you were straight. You may have been in the closet, but that closet was pretty damn transparent. You wore fucking Hawaiian shirts every day, did you really think people wouldn’t catch on? But now you’re out of the closet and making more dick jokes than ever. I know how hard this was for you growing up, and I’m so happy that you’re finally comfortable with yourself.  
~  
[Ben:] Hi, my name is Benjamin Hanscom. I’m an architect, a longtime friend of Richie’s, and the guy who had to endure an endless amount of fat jokes from him. Before we start I gotta say, I really appreciate the comments on my sex life from the man who has to look through his bird book just to get hard enough to fuck his wife. Bill, dude, your monologue was great. The ending to it was equally as shitty as the endings to your books. Glad you’re consistent. Mike, nice of you to take a break from traveling to show up. Bet traveling beats fondling your books alone in your library, huh? Eddie, you’re looking lovely tonight. Eddie may look feisty, but he’s an even bigger pillow princess than Bev. Sorry Bev, you know it’s true. And yes, I know this for a fact. Bill wasn’t lying, Richie and Eddie are pretty shameless about doing it wherever, whenever. Richie doesn’t just get on his knees for Eddie, though, you should have seen him on his knees begging studio executives not to kick him off of SNL. Now like I said, I got an endless amount of shit from Richie as a kid because I was fat. According to Richie I was “leaking Hamburger Helper.” But oh how the tables have turned. Now Richie’s the one “leaking”, though in his case it’s Eddie’s cum out of his mouth. Still not the worst of the awful things that come out of that trashmouth, though. Richie, dude, the old standup you used to do was fucking awful. That’s why I’m so glad you stopped doing that old shit and started writing your own material. You’re a really funny guy and I’m proud of how your career has been going.  
~  
[Mike:] I’m surprised it took this long for people to get sick enough of your shit for there to be a roast of you, Richie. For those of you who don’t know, which is all of you, I’m Mike Hanlon. Long time friend of Richie, and I’m also a librarian. Yeah, while I was taking care of books, all my friends were out achieving their dreams. Well, Eddie and Stan don’t count. You became a risk analyst and an accountant, respectively. No one dreams about having those as careers unless they’re a complete tight-ass like you two. But everyone else did well. Bill went on to write novels that terrified people about two thirds of the way through, until the ending fucked it up. Bev went on to use her eye for style to convince people to pay way more than necessary for pieces of fabric. Ben went on to design some really big buildings. Compensating for anything there, Haystack? But no one’s compensating for that more than Richie, the man who went on to make a career talking about his dick. But that’s not all he does. When he’s not regaling us with stories about where he sticks his cock, Richie manages to make an ass out of himself in other ways. I gotta hand it to you, Rich. Since high school, you’ve become even whiter than before from all the jizz in your mouth and coke up your nose. You’ve had quite a career, huh? You’ve done enough shitty stoner comedy films that would make Cheech and Chong themselves roll their eyes at how god awful they are. You had a great, but short, stint on SNL that you blew because you were preoccupied with two other kinds of blow. You finally improved your voices and used them in some kids movies. I don’t even know why they let you work on kids movies, Richie. One Google search of your name and the kids watching you at home immediately find, well, everything I just described. But regardless of how you fucked up in your early career, you’re doing awesome now. You’re really talented and you’re a great friend.  
~  
[Bev:] I just want to take a moment to appreciate our wonderful host. Bill, I’m glad you didn’t hold a grudge about our failed fling as teenagers. You just married a less hot version of me instead. But she wears my clothes, so she’s cool. I’m Beverly Marsh and, I’ll be honest, I want to get right into roasting Richie so I’m just gonna go through the others real quick. Mike, you’re lonely. Stan, you’re a dork who does bird puzzles. Eddie, you married your mom. Ben, you’re awkward in conversation when I take you to events. Okay! Now onto Richie. I’m so done with your shit, Richie. I helped your awkward ass win the Man of Style award, and you’re sitting here in a Hawaiian shirt and mismatched socks. You fucking showed up to the award ceremony in a wrinkled shirt and crooked tie. What is wrong with you? Just undoing all of my efforts at trying to make you presentable. There’s a Tumblr blog dedicated to mocking your outfits for a fucking reason. Aside from being the most frustrating client I’ve ever worked with, you are also responsible for some of the dumbest jokes I’ve ever heard in my life. For example, Stan told me about the time when we were thirteen, before we all became friends, when you said you’d heard the list of guys I’d slept with was even longer than your wang. One, Stan was right, that’s not saying much. And two, if anyone here is a slut, it’s you. You told me yourself that you spent most of your early twenties on your knees to make up for lost time since you weren’t getting any in high school. Such a hypocrite. But at least you’re a successful hypocrite. I don’t know what got bigger first, Richie; your career or your forehead. But you’re finally doing what you’ve always wanted to do while being who you really are. All the hard work you’ve done and shitty jokes the rest of us endured have paid off. I love you, Rich, and I’m so proud to be your friend.  
~  
[Eddie:] My name is Eddie Kaspbrak and, as you may have gathered from my friends’ comments, I‘m Richie’s boyfriend. So you motherfuckers may think he’s obnoxious, but I’m the one that actually has to live with him. But before I get into that, I want to talk about how my relationship was with Richie before we got together and I, as these assholes put it, started getting fucked by him on a regular basis. Which, by the way, he’s definitely better doing at than any of you, and I’m including Bev fucking Ben with a strap on for this. So I spent my entire childhood having to listen to him joke about fucking my mom because he was too scared to admit he actually wanted to be fucking me. When he wasn’t calling my mom fat, that is. Sometimes the dick even accompanied it with his Jabba the Hutt impersonation. Yes, Richie, my mom was a great big fat person. Now Richie has made it clear that he’s not into women at all, much less my dead, obese mother, but has that stopped him from making mom jokes? Nope. He really hasn’t matured past thirteen. It’s not an act, guys, he’s really like this in real life. Now another way Richie gave me shit as a child was by incessantly calling me stupid nicknames, which he also still does. He likes calling me Eds in particular, but he’ll call me basically anything besides Eddie. Richie, I get dumb nicknames are kind of your thing, but do you have to call me Eddie Spaghetti in bed? Seriously! He’s actually done that a couple of times! Richie may be famous for being a comedian, but in our circle he’s famous for being incapable of shutting the fuck up. As kids we all coined the term “beep beep, Richie” for when we needed him to stop talking. It worked maybe once or twice. The longest Richie can go without talking is two minutes, which is coincidentally exactly how long he lasts when I fuck him. Now when he fucks me, the expectation is that he blows my back out because, yeah, the big dick jokes are actually true. But this motherfucker blows his own back out just standing. Seriously, like the one time this little shit actually remembered to vacuum and then all of a sudden he was on the floor because he pulled something, somehow. Maybe that’s why you seem to be allergic to doing shit around the house. What’s next, Richie? You actually bother to pick up your dirty socks and you get carpal tunnel syndrome? But honestly, I can’t talk too much shit about living with you because being with you makes me so happy. You really are the best boyfriend, even better than what I dreamed about as a teenager. I love you so much, Chee.  
~  
[Richie:] Wow, for once I’m the only one here who actually wrote all their own material. You know, for people who say I talk too much about sex, about 90% of this evening has been you guys talking about my sex life. I mean, I know I’m irresistable but god guys! I promise, mine and Eddie’s sex tape will be released soon, you perverts. Anyway, gotta get a few jabs in real quick. I remember that vacation to your beach house, Bill. Gotta say though, for an actress, your wife is really bad at faking her orgasm. Might wanna take a break from writing books and get into reading some books on how to fuck properly. Staniel, love the comments on my Hawaiian shirts from the man who spent his adolescence in high waisted shorts. I wear Hawaiian shirts because I’m gay, you have no fucking excuse for your old monstrosity of a wardrobe. Ben, I really don’t have to say more than this. [pulls phone out of his pocket and plays a whip crack sound effect] Mike, the dumb things I’ve done so far with my career are still better than fondling books alone in my library. Also, way to lay it on thick with the cocaine jokes. That’s funny coming from the man who’s ingested his fair share of weird, hallucination inducing substances. Bev, my second favorite pillow princess, thank you for joining Stan in trashing my wardrobe. I can always count on you two to shit on me together. Can’t wait for your next update on Tumblr, because I fucking know it’s you running it. It has to be. Eds, Spaghetti Man, my favorite pillow princess, thank you for your critiques on my housekeeping abilities. Damn, you don’t appreciate my cleaning or my jokes. I guess you really are only here for my massive cock, huh? I don’t blame you though, your mom was the same way. So, I basically signed up to sit on stage while my friends say the same shit they do on a daily basis to an audience. Yeah, I’m obnoxious. Yeah, I do stupid shit. Yeah, I’m an asshole. But I’m also incredibly lucky to have the career I do, the fans I do, and the second family I do. I love you guys all so much. My name is Richie Trashmouth, thank you, goodnight!

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve wanted to write something like this for awhile since I’ve been binging comedy central roasts like crazy and I had way too much fun with this. I love that a bunch of us just decided that Richie’s career is basically Bill’s lmao. Watch the roast of James Franco if you want to see Bill being adorable


End file.
